 05/09/2008 Ever wondered what the music you listen to reveals about you? Nah, me neither. But apparently it reveals loads. Yep, surprise, surprise, a University study has uncovered that whatever music we listen to invariably means we have something wrong with us. Brilliant. We’re all doomed!
But here’s the thing; the study doesn’t reveal stuff like: Jazz fans enjoy puffing a fat reefer and sipping a large bourbon, straight and on the rocks. Or: Rap fans often use indecipherable language like honky, blad, and sick – in several contexts, for reasons Planet Notion cannot fathom.
Which all adds up to the study being a bit wank really.
So what does it say? Well, it says that if a gang of hoodies come up to you, Snoop Dogg blaring out a ghetto-blaster and lead-pipes in hand, they’re asking you for a game of snakes and ladders or something.
Yep, apparently rap fans have really high self-esteem and are extremely outgoing. So the hoodies just want to use your phone, they don’t want to reduce you to a sick puppy on the cold concrete floor when they steal your Motorola after all.
And Prof North from Heriot-Watt University, which surveyed 36,000 people worldwide, reckons that heavy metal fans are pretty much the same as classical music fans too.
Which means that all those people at the Royal Albert Hall, watching an 8-year-old whizz-kid from Albuquerque tickle the ivories like the guy from Shine, really want to get their chin pierced, dye their hair midnight black and tear the place apart…
"One of the most surprising things,” explains Prof North, “is the similarities between fans of classical music and heavy metal. They're both creative and at ease but not outgoing.
"The general public has held a stereotype of heavy metal fans being suicidally depressed and of being a danger to themselves and society in general. But they are quite delicate things."
Wow, that’s amazing!
So all I need to bag that girl at the 24-hour Esso garage - with a tongue like a snake, 100% ink-stained skin and a stare like the fat guy from Full Metal Jacket, is to buy her a few tulips and a copy of Goodbye Mister Tom. Hell, I can do it all in one go next time I get the munchies at four in the morning.
Thanks Prof. |
